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The Critique Crypt => Dark Poets => Topic started by: Vivacious on October 29, 2004, 03:13:01 PM



Title: Slick and Twisted Veins of Feel
Post by: Vivacious on October 29, 2004, 03:13:01 PM
*This poem was written about 4 years ago.

Slick and Twisted Veins of Feel

Slick and twisted veins of feel,
hollow sinew of surreal,
rising billows of concious breath,
fill the famine 'neath my breast.

Passion burns; my only sin.
Pulsing, churning, turmoil within.
Swallowing whole the razors edge,
I carve myself to keep my pledge.

Rancid, fetid, rotting weave,
sewn so delicately to decieve.
Brilliant Light of Truth shines through,
-- I abandon it! I live for you.

Grisly, torpid talons' grasp.
Flinching, flailing, souls' collapse.
Clenched my heart in Fitted Reins!?
Slain and flayed they now remain.

N'er to haunt my soul again,
My salted wounds will quickly mend.
Your wicked plot, overturned,
Your final lesson, duly learned.


Title: Re: Slick and Twisted Veins of Feel
Post by: Ed on October 29, 2004, 05:36:56 PM
I don't know much about poetry, but it seems pretty good to me, Viv.  ;D 

The only thing I'd say is that the line "rising billows of concious breath" breaks the rhythm of the first verse, because of the syllabic count - unless my counting's out, it's up to nine, whereas the rest of the lines hit seven.

The next verse ranges around eight, but again, there's the odd one out.  Read it aloud and you'll hear where the faults are.  If you set yourself a count for each line, you'll find that it'll read nicely, but if you vary too much it'll break the rhythm.  The rest of the verses chop and change a bit as well.

(slight typo too - 'ony' instead of 'only')

Basically, I like the content, but I think the structure needs more work, TBH  :hidin: 

Thanks for letting us see your work, I enjoyed reading it - are there no limits to your talents? :scratch:


Title: Re: Slick and Twisted Veins of Feel
Post by: Neuromancer on October 29, 2004, 05:42:46 PM
Hmm think the queens english might be too blame there Blunt..


Conscious is 2 syllables not 3

;)

So its off by one but flows very well  (and drop the "of" and its 7 ) 



I thought the form was great... and the description was wonderful

Not sure about the story though... dont really understand the title

But I am not adept at reading into things as the average person


Overall?  Very Good read!



Title: Re: Slick and Twisted Veins of Feel
Post by: Ed on October 29, 2004, 06:06:30 PM
Yeah, sorry - my mistake; it's eight.  I'm crap at syllable counting  :D


Title: Re: Slick and Twisted Veins of Feel
Post by: Troglodyte on October 29, 2004, 06:11:42 PM
What I know about poetry can be written inside a full stop :(

I think the vocabulary you use is fantastic, and some of the imagery is trully dark and gruesome. But, sorry if I'm slow on the uptake Viv, please tell me what this is all about :scratch:


Title: Re: Slick and Twisted Veins of Feel
Post by: Vivacious on October 29, 2004, 06:35:04 PM
Well thank you gentlemen, I really hadn't thought it was much of anything more than me being melodramatic.

I corrected the typo and left the word 'of' in there for now.  :bleh:

As for the story, well this is the story of someone who discovers that she's been decieved for years and is now coming to terms with it. It's a poem I wrote during my divorce.

In the first stanza I'm describing the way the reality hit me, tho I may have suspected I didn't want to feel the sting of betrayal.

In the second stanza I refer to carving 'myself to keep my pledge'. I felt that I had sacrificed much in the relationship and was still willing to continue.

The third describes my continued denial of the reality.

Originally the fourth stanza was the last, however I felt that the 'fitted reins' that had bound my heart were broken, and I was free, but  I felt the poem needed one more stanza.

In the last I'm basically saying, Burn me once, shame on me, Burn me twice-- Not gonna happen. ;)


Title: Re: Slick and Twisted Veins of Feel
Post by: Ed on October 29, 2004, 06:53:57 PM
I was thinking chop the 'billows' (replace with a monosyllabic word), not the 'of' :bleh:

Don't listen to me tho - I know practically nothing about 'pomes'.  :)



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