Cafe Doom

The Critique Crypt => General writing chat => Topic started by: Ed on January 13, 2011, 01:53:25 PM



Title: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Ed on January 13, 2011, 01:53:25 PM
Yes, it's that time of year again -- The Bridport Prize is open for business, inviting millions of words of turgid prose and hackneyed verse to converge on a tiny market town in the depths of rural Dorset. The most boring story wins five grand, as does the purplest non-rhyming poem.

So if you've got anything dull on your hard drive, especially if it features cancer, or some other form of miserable demise, or if you've just experienced your first menstruation and felt the urge to write about it, it's got to be worth having a stab at.

Further details can be found here -- http://www.bridportprize.org.uk/

Be warned, though -- it's seven quid to enter a story, six for poems and five for flash, and you'll find some stiff competition out there (literally).


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Rook on January 13, 2011, 01:58:26 PM
I've got one! I've got one!

Oh, wait... I don't have seven quid to blow...

Hey, do you think they give discounts for bulk entries?

 :2funny:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: delph_ambi on January 13, 2011, 02:23:51 PM
Hey, be nice about the Bridport! I had two poems shortlisted in 2010, and I believe JonP had a shortlisted poem too, so Cafe Doom was well represented.  :afro:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Ed on January 13, 2011, 03:37:39 PM
All joking apart, that was a hell of an accomplishment to make the shortlist, you two :smiley:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Rev. Austin on January 13, 2011, 04:48:55 PM
I didn't realise you were joking  :grin:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Rook on January 13, 2011, 05:04:55 PM
All joking apart, that was a hell of an accomplishment to make the shortlist, you two :smiley:

Hear, hear!

 :smiley:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Ed on January 13, 2011, 05:42:16 PM
I didn't realise you were joking  :grin:

(I wasn't, but shhh! don't tell anybody) :hidin:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: LashSlash on January 14, 2011, 06:01:28 AM
here is a flash-fiction story:-



A Pillar of Smoke

by LashSlash
 
Pa was a Dawarwinist who rolled his own. His bible, a "MIDGET" CLASSIC - complete and unabridged publication - printed on rice-paper pages two and one-half inches high. A miniature book comfortably carried around [God forbid, for anything more than as a conveniant reference] in his waistcoat pocket. It started on page fifty-six, with the Book of Exodus. Whenever he ran short of rollies, Pa had ripped out the next page; with a twist of Best-Blend he smoked his way through the Tower of Babel via the Garden of Eden. The binding of Isaac by Abraham and all of Jacob went up in smoke. I inherited the bible after Pa died of a canker probably brought on by the lead in the printing-ink and possibly by God.
 
I must admit, over the years I have got a bit of a buzz from [pages of] Jezebel and Delilah and a Shulamite or two.
 
 
the end


..... i'm putting this story up for sale, if anyone wants to enter the bridgeport comp and doesnt have, or doesnt want to actualy write anything.  the story is sold as is and becomes the sole property of the buyer to do with as .... etc etc

the punctuation may need some attention, and that is why the opening bid is only 29.99 pounds [you  stand to win a thousand pounds with this story]


any takers?
 :shocked:
 


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Rev. Austin on January 14, 2011, 06:12:20 AM
SOLD!  ;)


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: LashSlash on January 14, 2011, 06:23:07 AM
 :cheers:WHAT GOOD TASTE YOU HAVE IN STORIES!!!!!! .... BUT, SORRRY TO SAY : --- the OPENING BID is 29.99 --- its an auction: youre gonna have to offer a little more......THOSE ARE THE RULES of an auction...... :bangh:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Rev. Austin on January 14, 2011, 07:21:09 AM
Oh right sorry  ::)

In that case, my bid is:

SOLD!

hahaha


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: delboy on January 14, 2011, 07:22:04 AM
Makes me think back to all those dodgy music deals done in the old days when some old blues-singer or hillbilly rock'n'roller would sign over the rights to half of dozen of their songs for a bottle of Wild Turkey, ten dollars, and a back row ticket for Sugar Ray Robinson's comeback fight. We only ever get to hear about the songs that later went onto make millions for the smart-talking guys that sold short the song-writers. But I wonder how many musicians got the better of that particular deal? I bet there were a few!

Derek


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Rev. Austin on January 14, 2011, 02:50:54 PM
Were you one of them, Del?

edit: /cheeky  :grin:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Kerr on January 14, 2011, 02:55:56 PM
That one's too good Lash. I'm guessing this is Literary?


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Ed on January 14, 2011, 03:19:37 PM
Good effort, Lash, but I can't help but feel your story was lacking the angst of a good first menstruation story. Perhaps if you changed your MC to a woman of the cloth, it might help? :scratch:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Robert Essig on January 14, 2011, 03:57:27 PM
*dumb American question alert*

What's a quid?  I know it pertains to money, but...what is it?

I do realize that I could google it, but I figure someone here at the cafe, perhaps the Rev, can write something cheeky - that's right folks, cheeky - in response to my ignorance of the quid.

I'm suddenly hungry for calamari...


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Ed on January 14, 2011, 03:59:35 PM
Your real name wouldn't happen to be Mohammed, would it? :scratch:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Rev. Austin on January 14, 2011, 05:27:40 PM
It needs more sauce!


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Rev. Austin on January 14, 2011, 05:31:35 PM
I mean, a quid is one pound Robert.  Yes, one pound!  A quid, a squid, a lovely gold shiny coin!  Cor blimey guv, get a few bob and everyone'll think you're rolling in bees n' honey!  (http://www.londonninja.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/quid2.jpg) Edit: Look at all that lovely WONGA!  Get a load of that DOSH!  Feast your mince pies on all those READIES! <-- that one might not even be English slang!

They're remarkably easy to counterfeit, if the ones I keep getting from my local corner shop are anything to go by.



Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Pharosian on January 14, 2011, 05:41:23 PM
So what's the scoop on the coins with the funny (unpronounceable) words running around the edge? Once upon a time when I visited Jolly Old England, I was told it has to do with Wales and their desire to maintain some semblance of sovereignty, but I don't remember any details. Are those coins actually minted in Wales, or does the Crown just churn them out alongside the "English" coins? What does the funny writing say?  :grin:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Robert Essig on January 14, 2011, 06:05:45 PM
That certainly clears things up. 

I still want some calamari though.


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: desertwomble on January 14, 2011, 10:18:02 PM
That certainly clears things up.  

I still want some calamari though.

...... and boringly enough, Robert, 'quid' is a non-count noun. So you can have 'fifty quid', not 'fifty quids'.

However, if you get a sudden windfall, you're 'quids in'!

Go figure!!!

DW :cheesy:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Rev. Austin on January 15, 2011, 03:45:23 AM
So what's the scoop on the coins with the funny (unpronounceable) words running around the edge? Once upon a time when I visited Jolly Old England, I was told it has to do with Wales and their desire to maintain some semblance of sovereignty, but I don't remember any details. Are those coins actually minted in Wales, or does the Crown just churn them out alongside the "English" coins? What does the funny writing say?  :grin:

It says "Don't let Pharosian use this"  :grin:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Ed on January 15, 2011, 03:59:09 AM
Yet another vaguery of the English language, Womble ::)

So what's the scoop on the coins with the funny (unpronounceable) words running around the edge? Once upon a time when I visited Jolly Old England, I was told it has to do with Wales and their desire to maintain some semblance of sovereignty, but I don't remember any details. Are those coins actually minted in Wales, or does the Crown just churn them out alongside the "English" coins? What does the funny writing say?  :grin:

AFAIK, England, Scotland and Wales each have their own design, but the coins are all struck by the Royal Mint in England, except for the millions of counterfeit ones in circulation. I think they're from a former Eastern Block country.

As for the writing on the side of the coins, I think the Welsh one's in Welsh, and probably says something about valleys, leeks, and perpetual rain. The English one's in Latin (go figure) and says 'wonga for the peasants'. The Scottish one's in English, but the accent is so heavy you can't understand it  :afro:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Pharosian on January 15, 2011, 11:11:38 AM
AFAIK, England, Scotland and Wales each have their own design, but the coins are all struck by the Royal Mint in England, except for the millions of counterfeit ones in circulation. I think they're from a former Eastern Block country.

As for the writing on the side of the coins, I think the Welsh one's in Welsh, and probably says something about valleys, leeks, and perpetual rain. The English one's in Latin (go figure) and says 'wonga for the peasants'. The Scottish one's in English, but the accent is so heavy you can't understand it  :afro:

*sigh*

Silly me to expect a straight answer from this crowd. ::)

According to Wikipedia, the Royal Mint is located in South Wales. Starting in 1983, the pound coins were minted with a different design on the reverse each year, rotating through designs symbolizing the UK, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, and England. The edge inscriptions vary with the reverse design:

England: DECUS ET TUTAMEN ("An ornament and a safeguard" – originally on 17th century coins, this refers to the inscribed edge as a protection against the clipping of precious metal

Scotland: NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT ("No-one provokes me with impunity" – the Latin motto of the Order of the Thistle)

Wales: PLEIDIOL WYF I'M GWLAD ("True am I to my country" – from the chorus of the Welsh National Anthem)

Northern Ireland: DECUS ET TUTAMEN

2010 - Coat of Arms of the City of London on reverse
Edge inscription: DOMINE DIRIGE NOS ("Lord, guide us." – the Latin motto of the City of London)

2010 - Coat of Arms of Belfast on reverse
Edge inscription: PRO TANTO QUID RETRIBUAMUS ("For so much, what shall we give in return?" – the Latin motto of Belfast)

The full Wikipedia article also contains information about the counterfeit problem, stating that in some areas perhaps as many as 5% of the coins are fakes (National average 2.58%)! There's a close-up photo comparing a fake to a genuine coin edge-on. The counterfeiters apparently don't have very good dies.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_pound_(British_coin)


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Rook on January 15, 2011, 11:20:48 AM
Hooray for Pharo!  :dance:

She answered her own question with classic thoroughness!  :cheers:

Boy, the counterfeits are terrible.  :idiot:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: LashSlash on January 15, 2011, 12:20:01 PM
Good effort, Lash, but I can't help but feel your story was lacking the angst of a good first menstruation story. Perhaps if you changed your MC to a woman of the cloth, it might help? :scratch:
..........to a woman [of the cloth] on the rag, maybe??


Ma was a proud Femenist who,  on priciple,  was angry with everyone and everything. But most of all with the English language.  Some person was stupid enough to inform her that the medical term for  her lunar assignation was: a weeping uteris - mourning its unfertalized egg. Krikey-Moses, that set her off: "How dare anyone giive my uteris negative emotions aqnd conotations...!" Her bible was Our Body - Our Selves ........etc etc

.... ed, is this the type of thing you looking for?


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: LashSlash on January 15, 2011, 12:30:23 PM
re counterfeit etc:- [That one's too good Lash. I'm guessing this is Literary? - kerr]-- the person i bought the story from [not saying for how much] swore it was a real one.


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Ed on January 15, 2011, 12:57:24 PM
Yeah, I think it's thorough in its description, and yet subtle enough not to provoke worrysome questions from children, Lash,  :afro:


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: LashSlash on January 15, 2011, 01:15:56 PM
Yeah, I think it's thorough in its description, and yet subtle enough not to provoke worrysome questions from children, Lash,  :afro:
...... coool! [gimme some time and i'll put it up for auction]

[sales pitch:-
you know how when you enter a story for a comp, how convinced you are of how brilliant it is and that it has a chance of winning.... otherwise why enter it in the 1st place -'specialy if you pay an entry fee??..... well:- once you buy the story i have for auction/sale, and when it becomer yours  -- i GUARANTEE you will feel that it's brillo and stands a GOOD chance of winning the bridgeport prize of ONE THOUSAND POUNDS!!!!!!]

i recieived a private bid through a PM --- the price stands at  33 pounds.

going once.....


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: Charlie In The Box on January 15, 2011, 06:38:47 PM
Too funny guys, loving this thread!!


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: LashSlash on January 18, 2011, 03:28:11 AM
UPDATE: -  whomsoever  outbids all for the  story 'piller of smoke'  [that stands to win 1 000 pounds in the bridgeport comp] ---gets this pooem FREE, to do with as they wish!!
[the unique inclusion of a footnote into the body of the poem, perhaps makes it a contender for the poetry section of the bridgeport prize  ---- perhaps, perhaps its 2 for the price of 1]


madly in love

by LashSlash


she
 
un
-re
-trievable
 

wafts unstuck.
sips of lunatic-love
& helical-echos
laced with
straight-jacket
& slipknot

elixir
steeped
in Impassionus Composticards*
the man-in-her-moon
should
have
known
better

on a couch of the shards
of their shattered chalice
s/he manages love,
with both on top
 
un
-be
-lievable
*Love-Rot


Title: Re: Got a boring story where nothing happens?
Post by: LashSlash on January 22, 2011, 02:12:58 PM
.... well, lets see who has the last laugh - when i enter the brigeport AND WIN  with the piller of smoke flash story....

.... and there i was under the impression that most of you were all ambitiously clamouring for fame & fortune... funny how i am so easily misled!



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