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Author Topic: First Chapter of my new novel in progress: VAMPIRE ROSE  (Read 3691 times)
littlelaniec
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« on: June 27, 2006, 07:41:11 PM »

CHAPTER ONE   
      He woke face down in the dirt. With great pain he spit it from his mouth and rolled onto his back. The canopy of stars hung overhead. A soft breeze ruffled the grass and distant trees. Where was he? How did he get here? He dragged himself up into a seated position, resting his back against a flat, cold slab. His eyes adjusted to the night. He visually scanned his surroundings. More of the slabs and statues dotted the open area. A cemetery? His head darted back and forth to confirm. ‘I’m in a cemetery?’
      He grabbed the sides of his head, rolling with a groan as strange, fragmented images overcame him. Images of blood splattering everywhere, pain, great pain coursing through his body, lilting laughter. It stopped as suddenly as it came. He slowly lowered his hands. What was happening to him? Every bone in his body ached, every breath was an exertion, his flesh was cold, but he didn’t feel discomforted by it. And, his eyesight----his vision had never been sharper in the dark. A sharp hunger attacked his stomach, but not the usual hunger pangs.
      Something scurried across his outstretched legs. He instinctively snatched it up and sunk his teeth into its neck. The creature screeched and squirmed as its assailant sucked its life’s blood, finally falling limp in the man’s hands. He froze, horrified by the bloodied animal staring at him with dead, vacant eyes. He hurled the carcass aside and rolled over, retching its contents into the ground. As he wiped the strands of bile hanging from his bottom lip, he saw the bare feet peeking out from the hem of a white gown. He lifted his eyes on the woman hovering above him, her long, black hair and soft gown ruffled in the breeze. In her hand, she held a single red rose.
      He leaned back on his knees. “You! What did you do to me?” he weakly demanded.
      She stooped to his eye level: her eyes were a pale violet, her lips bright red, when she smiled two protruding fangs glistened in the moonlight. The man flinched, repulsed.
      The strange woman caressed his cheek with the pedals of the rose. “You are a child of the night. I have given you immortality.” She laid the rose in his hands, and, with sweet smile, straightened, turned and walked away into the night.
      “Wait!” he called. “Ouch!” He looked down at his hand. A thorn pricked his finger when he gripped the stem. Blood bubbled from the tiny wound.
 
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« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2006, 07:55:09 PM »

An intriguing start, Lanie - there's a hook in wanting to know how he came to be there and what will become of him now.  I noticed a couple of minor spelling/typo errors, and there are a few bits I would tighten and change, but I don't know whether you'd like me to point them out or not.   smiley
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Planning is an unnatural process - it is much more fun to do something.  The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression. [Sir John Harvey-Jones]
littlelaniec
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« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2006, 11:43:42 PM »

Please do, Blunt!! This is, after all, my very first draft! If it was the final work, I might threaten you with death, but... evil

I'm just so thrilled someone read it!!!  cheers

Anyway, even with the spell and grammer checks it missed a few things? Hmm, that's what I get for working in Microsoft Word instead of my usual Apple Works!

Lanie



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« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2006, 04:01:03 AM »

Well, in the first line, you have the MC 'spit' dirt from his mouth, when the past tense of spit is 'spat'.  You've also got 'pedals' on the rose, instead of petals. afro  Like I said - they're just minor bits.  There are other clarity issues and areas of redundancy, to my eye, too.  But like somebody else said, you shouldn't get too hitched up on perfecting the first chapter, it's better to get on and finish the book first and then revise, if needs be. smiley
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Planning is an unnatural process - it is much more fun to do something.  The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression. [Sir John Harvey-Jones]
littlelaniec
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« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2006, 05:24:43 PM »

Thanks, Blunt! How the hell did I miss that?  v_angry It's not like this is my first attempt at writing!
But, you know, I'll read and reread a book a thousand times or more until I'm cross-eyed and STILL miss minor things like that! It's always good to have a second or third pair of eyes!  rolleyes
My cousin is actually my second pair, but she hasn't read this yet. It used to be my best friend, but she passed away a few years ago.

Anyway, how long does it take you guys to finish a story? When I was younger, I could belt it out (on manual typewriter, raising four sons and having their friends running around tearing my place apart!), in a month's time (including rewrites). Now, it takes me close to two years. I'm thinking, the older and more seasoned one gets with their writing, the more of a perfectionist they become. That, and the fact, I have more health issues than I can count!

And, like you mentioned: get the story out of your head or heart first, THEN worry about your editing. I can see why the spell and grammer check didn't pick up 'spit' and 'pedals'. IT doesn't know what I was trying to say.

If there's anything else, Blunt, please let me know! And, I'm glad you found it intriguing!

Lanie
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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2006, 07:21:20 PM »

I too need to know how this story progresses, Lanie. You clearly have a gruesome tendency, necessary for the dark writer! I really liked: '...He instinctively snatched it up and sunk his teeth into its neck. ...' Ha. Don't we all do that?  Well, no. I'm a veggie, but it's great in horror fiction!! Well crafted.

Geoff
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« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2006, 07:31:20 PM »

Dunno about you, but the more tired I get, the more silly mistakes I make.  I seem to type phonetic mistakes, too - like your 'pedals' instead of petals.  If you look at the keys on the keyboard, the 'D' is too far away from the 'T' for it to be a slip of the finger, like a normal typo, so that says to me that we think and type the wrong word altogether.  Funny isn't it? huh

Sorry to hear you lost a good friend - true friends are few and far between.  In many ways it's worse than losing one of the family, isn't it?

About stories and time - it depends what you mean, really.  I tend to think of stories being around the 3,000 word mark, so they generally take me a couple of evenings, perhaps a week of evenings sometimes.  Novel length... argh - I get the feeling I could write one in a month, if I was doing it full time, but in reality, evenings, months, years, millennia.... rolleyes
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Planning is an unnatural process - it is much more fun to do something.  The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression. [Sir John Harvey-Jones]
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