rejects from Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine

[canadian]

As seen this morning in Miss Snark's blog (http://misssnark.blogspot.com/2006_01_01_misssnark_archive.html):

Out of the dark void came what looked like a giant rabbit followed by small rabbits which had looked as if they had undergone a mutation with three ears and 2 tails. They discovered they were on Rabbitania.


Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men.


Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they peaked from her Susie Wong slit dresses. She had a dozen of them.


"Something must have happened, since it's not like her to come back naked and not aware of anything."


The eyes of the braver animals ran down my neck and spine.


"Bastard! I shall severe your soul."


The afternoon was very calm but consolidated. The birds were singing but were not blithesome.


He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I thought he'd just throw away.


"Stand slow!" a voice rang out with hollow ubiquity.


When I thought of the poetics of such a confrontation in the blackness of eternity, I laughed sardonically, in a dry voice, to myself.


"Good morning, Anna, Lovely maid," Logo said in a soft voice bowing slightly, "How nice to see your structured form again today."


The two naked bodies, which were lying beneath the satin sheets, were no longer the people whom everyone, who was anyone, knew whenever reality was in existance.


"Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind.


My shouted words were lost in the damp chill, and my legs were already beginning to bale out, filling my shoes quickly.


The willowy king stood tehre with his usually sick disposition. From the faint light in the hallway, his yellow glaring cat eyes pointed at him.


Kildo threw his waning arms around the large granite boulder.


Miles looked deep into those clear blue eyes who's debts were infinite.


"Be good," he called after her as he bit back the tears in his eyes.


Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed positions on the floor to stare at him.


Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.


John wasn't at all surprised at the transformation of his body into what he believed were light waves.


Fearless, as he was dumb, he walked over to the edge of the ship.


"Are the shields contoured to the ship" the computer asked breathlessly.


The universe is a vast region of deep mystery steeped in antiquity.


"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked. He seemed a bit loath to answer.


They were human in every way but they owned the necks, heads, facial expressions were that of a chicken.


"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"


Of course, his eyes couldn't help but embrace the pool in front of them.


Jake was not a man to show much emotion, but he found himself supressing the urge to smile out loud.


Ashala's head felt like vermicelli slowly slipping off the platter of her sholders.


A pool of surpressedd sweat started building under his forehead.


Kincaid was an older man with sparse grey iron hair.


And he was damned attractive physically, too. When she looked at him she felt...unusual.


Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.


He gazed at what appeared to be an invisable column coming from an infinite distance.


Onion oil! I couldn't imagine anyting worse than a daily bath in onion oil.


He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember something,


what was it? oh yes! I'm dead, I shouldn't be walking around like this.


There would not be many more darknesses before Lyra became a guardian,
and if sheh was going to keep hes promises that she would still boil boldy
as a guardian, she might as well practice.


Talan gestured at the controls. "Overheating of the glycgroms in the thermoperamulator. You know how it is."


She is powdered, painted, and tearful, playing again one of her greatest rolls.


The man spoke a foreign tonuge to them which they followed with out question.


The faces of the children were tear stained and pained Zone Paw to move on.


Are you going to go up t her and say, (you have to pardon me I'm form another planet, Let's get together for a life spand.)" The dwarf came back strongly.


"Marry me my beautiful moonlight Luna to this sun-born, non-stop make and viola!"


It seems occasionally events occur which had they not happened no one would
imagine they could.


It ws a planet spinning around Proxima Centauri, an Earth like planet covered with an average of two miles of water.


On Nov. 29, 2083 the object wold hit. It's antimatter would interact with ordinary matter on Earth and there would be an explosion with the incredible force of 1000 megatons. New York City is doomed!


"Corporeal, we've got to do our best to keep this from the public."
"I know sir, but its already too late."
What do you mean, the general inquired?
"While you were gone I let a curious private in on the secret."
"We've got to stop him."
By now he's long gone. Sorry sir."
"Oh no."


He saw the cute way her curly hair floated on her head.


Kree's voice grabbed my heart from behind.


A large serf of joy rode under Lisa's face.


Sublimely, this time, and just by feel, light was even dimmer inside the war machine than merely beneath the overhang that had been gutted out for it keeping its resplendency restrained.


Despite the different meanings conjured up in each other's head when the other spoke he knew that in this instance his image was hers.


Then his head, which supported his bushy brown hair, turned to look at his sister.


It was kind of bazaar for him to see his sister holding the arm of a semi-automatic machine gun.


Most people who have seen Dr. Robinson describes him as a strange looking man with coal black hare and a a coal black mustache.
(Was he too from Rabbitania?)


I caress her cheek. She shutters.


He whetted his lips.

[SharonBell]

Glad I wasn't drinking coffee when I read these! Thanks for the laughs. 

What IS IT with BODY PARTS??? The EYES have it in these excerpts, don't they? Roaming, rolling, crawling, pouring, biting. Jesus, do these people HAVE eyes???

And this one, well remind me to tell you the story of a very naughty practical joke we pulled in a Newborn ICU in my previous life as a nurse. The chicken baby syndrome is REAL. 

"They were human in every way but they owned the necks, heads, facial expressions were that of a chicken."

[Ed]

Hilarious - thanks for that, Donna

Sharon - is that what they used to call 'pinhead' syndrome, or something like 'microcephalitis'.  Can't remember what it's called, but sufferers have very small heads, often with a lump on the top.  Used to be popular in freak shows, until it became unPC.

[SharonBell]

Hmmm, not exactly. Here's the story:

There was a South American OB/GYN (Dr. Reisenberg, dark hair, big nose, very heavy Yiddish accent) who was in charge of the Neonatal ICU (NICU) at Albany Medical Center in Upstate NY. I ran the IV service and we had interns and residents, all young and a little wild. I was in my 20's as were most of the staff.

DR. Reisenberg's pet peeve was that the NICU would get emergency transfers from other hospitals and home births and no one would call ahead. They'd just show up in an incubator. DROVE HIM CRAZY. He was also a BIT pompous and could give the interns and resident a REAL hard time when he felt like it.

The nurses, interns, and residents in the NICU conspired and put together a incubator with oxygen, an IV set up, and a RUBBER CHICKEN wrapped in a baby blanket.

They paged him to tell him YET ANOTHER emergency admission had come without advance warning. He was FURIOUS. Ranted and raved, then raced across the hospital (about a mile), and ran into the NICU. A pediatric genetist happened to come along at the same time and asked what was up. DR R told him about this new admission.

They both ran into the NICU, everyone in the conspiracy standing around, watching. DR. R opens the isolette/incubator, pulls out the tray, sees the head of the rubber chicken, and says, "Oh, mein Gott! It looks YUST like a SHICKEN!" and staggers back in shock.

The Pediatrician says, "Ohmigod! That's a VERY RARE syndrome, we must run genetic tests!"

They unwrap the baby...and see it's a RUBBER CHICKEN. Everyone bursts out into laughter. Dr R looks around, stunned, and says, "Gott vill get you for this!" And, finally he laughs, too.

(I have many other fun and game stories, mostly related to body fluids, but those will come later!)

[Ed]

   Kewl.  There's nothing funnier than playing practical jokes on pompous old farts, especially where rubber chickens are involved

[Geoff_N]

I read the list very carefully. I have had two rejections from Asimov - but I was able to breathe again when I found mine was not there!

Geoff

[canadian]

Phew! I was a bit leery about postin' those, Geoff, 'cause I know you submit to the mag. Of course, I knew you'd never be capable of writing anything as dire as those! 

[Ed]

Sublimely, this time, and just by feel, light was even dimmer inside the war machine than merely beneath the overhang that had been gutted out for it keeping its resplendency restrained.

Cuh   Some of these remind me of howlers I've seen in the more hallowed halls of a place that must not be named.  One that stands out in my mind, in particular, was about a Chinese laundry where the workers 'entered through a door in the mid morning'.  Dunno if I was the only person who found it funny, but I pictured this floating, ethereal door that magically transported them to the afternoon, or perhaps hometime   I could do with one of those myself.

[neilmarr]

***Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling***

Thanks, Canadian. I needed that. Almost smiled out loud. Cheers. Neil

[Geoff_N]

Hey, it's good to hear you smiling in here, Neil

... and between you and me, it's your move ...

Geoff

[neilmarr]

Thanks, Geoff ... I've lurked around here since the universe was young to read some great posts (and, as you know, the universe is a vast region of deep mystery steeped in antiquity*). Must try to contribute. Thought it was your move, by the way. How do I check? Until I hear from you, I will continue to *gaze at what appears to be an invisable column coming from an infinite distance* and hope that, in the current damp chill, my legs don't begin to *bale out, filling my shoes quickly* . Hoots toots. Neil

[Robert M. Blevins]

These were included in submissions to Adventure Books of Seattle.

"Even for a dragon, he was a very hothead."

"Myself and you can make much on this eBook. A woman must market herself to find husband. It is selling..."

Sigh.

And I TELL them we don't do fantasy... 

[neilmarr]

One that still raises a chuckle when it crosses my mind in idle moments is from a rejection I handed out a few years ago to a guy who holds a fond place in my heart as probably the world's worst ever wannabe author.

THE SCENE: A Mafia hitman is killing time before bumping off a guy in Rome. He takes a tourist stroll around the top level of the Colosseum. A guard rail gives way and he plunges headlong into the arena where he finds himself thrown back two thousand years, holding a short sword and facing a gang of tough looking gladiators as the Roman mob roars for his blood.

THE DIALOGUE: "Golly ... this really takes the biscuit."

Priceless! Neil