The good morning, good night thread

[delboy]

You might want to get some circle edge technology installed. You'll probably recall the fighting which followed the Bury Divisional Play-Offs two years back when a team up from Stafford insisted on Midland rules where it's the first snail to reach the edge rather than cross it that wins.

Derek

[Rev. Austin]

Ahhh yes, and not forgetting the dark days of the Hampstead Snail Olympics back in '72, when the whole sport was brought into disrepute after it was revealed that three-time champion Legs McKinley tested positive for steroids...he commited suicide by drinking a puddle of salt water, very sad 

[delboy]

Well, there are those of us who still believe that Legs was murdered. That puddle was originally a freshwater puddle. There's super-eight footage of several members of other teams drinking from it before the marathon. You should read the book "Salt - A Conspiracy" by Legs's nephew "Fast" Mac McKinley. The chapter about the slug spotted on the grassy knoll is especially interesting.

[fnord33]

Yes, I am also familiar with the multitudes of conspiracies which abound in the snail racing arena. Fucking slugs think they're better than everybody. What are you going to do though? Lately I've gotten into a much more fair and humane sport called sprocketing. I'm not sure why it's called sprocketing. Anyway, two masochists nail their genitalia to a heavy piece of wood (a church pew, park bench, etc...) and then struggle free while you make bets on who will get free first. It's kind of like a cross between cock fighting and Saw. In any case, it's a gas and a half. Not sure if it's made it's way across the pond yet.   

[leatherdykeuk]

Not sure if it's made it's way across the pond yet.   

It was for a time but we're still trying to appeal the Spanner trial.

[fnord33]

I've sent about 6 hours of the last 24 going through the mountains of crap that I've bought and selecting things to go to a friend's yard-sale. I've always had a healthy appreciation for the silliness of our consumer culture, but never so much as at this very moment. I worked harder to get the crap out of my house than I did to get it in. I filled two cars and a truck full of crap which I had no difficulty parting with and still my house is packed tighter than a church on the night before judgment day. I guess that's where progress gets you. No room is certainly better than no food. 

[Rev. Austin]

I won!  Here I am graciously accepting my trophy (yes, trophy! It says Snail Champ 2010 on it   ) -->


And here's the winner, whom I named Legs McKinley   -->


Seriously, you wouldn't believe how fast he was!  It was incredible!  Every single time he went straight from the middle to the edge in a perfect line.  Absolutely stunning.  He won, but then he continued to win over and over again, until he won 14 times!!!  The best anyone else managed was 9, until the race was stopped when one snail, Little Bealer, refused to cross the edge, even when he was put right next to it.  I'm now pretty convinced I can use Legs to breed a race of superfast snails.

[desertwomble]

Well done, your Grace!

I hope this'll lead to a literary gem along the lines of 'The Men Who Stare at Snails'!

DW

[Ed]

Ah, cracking trophy there

Shame I couldn't talk my brother-in-law into sending you his African giant snails. They'd had them in their lounge for the past few years in a mud and slime-filled nearly opaque with yuck fish tank about a foot square. Like a little patch of hell. I never saw the attraction of keeping the damn things at all, but I guess it was something for the kids to look after. Turns out now, after having them as family pets for several years, they decided they didn't want them anymore, so what did they do, I hear you ask... give them to a local school? An animal rescue home? Zoo? Set them free to gang up on native snails so they could beat them up for their lettuce? Nope. They boiled a pan of water and dropped them into it while the kids watched on. They seem to think it's funny, but somehow I find it quite chilling. I wonder if they'll do the same to their cat if they decide they don't want it anymore? Maybe just bung it in the microwave or something

[Bec]

Well done, Rev! Did your snail do a lap of honour?

[leatherdykeuk]

They boiled a pan of water and dropped them into it while the kids watched on.

That's appalling!

[leatherdykeuk]

I won!  Here I am graciously accepting my troph

Oh well done, sir!

[Rev. Austin]

Eurgh Those poor snails Ed! 

Everytime a snail reached the edge, we put it back in the middle, and stopped the race once every snail had reached the edge, which is why Legs managed to reach the edge a further 13 times before we stopped hahha I actually think it's impossible for him to move in anything other than a straight line so laps were a bit difficult  He's having a nap right now in a jar on my desk, and I'm going to get him a proper tank later today, keep him for a bit before I let him go into the garden.

[Geoff_N]

Did or could you employ the well-known fact (to gastropodic biologists) that snails go faster uphill than downhill or on the flat?

[Rev. Austin]

Ooo I had no idea about that!  It was a level playing surface or as level as my friend's table could be, seeing as he made it out of cardboard.