The good morning, good night thread

[SamLeeFreak]

Well, the prezzies went down a treat. I bought my wife a little something extra on top of the red wellies - I've been meaning to get her an eternity ring for a while now. Back in January of last year we were looking at them on holiday in Lanzerote, but didn't see any we really liked. So I thought I would have one made for her as a surprise. It's a bit of a long story, in all, but I've got all day and so have you, I expect.

The day before we got married, ten years ago, my wife was walking up through town with a bunch of flowers in hand, wearing a summer dress, looking forward to the big day, when suddenly, out of nowhere, she was accosted by an old hag. This old gypsy woman was offering to read fortunes, palms, etc. My future wife was up for that, being quite superstitious, especially with her not wanting to upset the old hag on the day before her wedding. So the old hag reads her palm and as they part she puts two glass beads into her hand and says, "These are for your two boys." We didn't have any kids at the time, but when the two of them were born, one had very dark hair, the other was mousy - the glass beads were blue for boys, but one was dark and the other lighter. It just seemed quite fitting somehow.

Anyway, instead of getting the standard eternity ring with rubies or sapphires I thought it would be nice to do something a bit different. So I got the jeweller (same one who sold me the engagement and the wedding ring) to make me a half eternity with three diamonds with one deep blue sapphire and one pale blue (London blue) topaz set in an 18ct mount. Ordered it weeks ago and finally got to pick it up last thursday night (I was a bit worried it wouldn't be ready in time).

I wrapped it individually and stuffed it into one of the red wellies, so it would be a nice surprise for Mrs Ed. She is delighted with it - speechless for a while. Result

Awww, that is SO romantic! 

[Ed]

You think? Everybody else has been saying that, too. I didn't do it with that intention - I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. Something a bit special in this age of rubber stamped uniformity

[Ed]

Wow - what a weirdo. One of my oldest friends came around for lunch today. While talking, I asked how his brother (we'll call him 'Billy') was, and it turned out he's just split up with his girlfriend. His girlfriend (we'll call her 'Wendy The Nutball') always struck me as a bit weird - the type of person who displays 'unexpected' behaviour. For example, if you give her a wrapped present, she begins to behave like she's five years old, making all the little shrieking noises that an excited child might, while wearing a gleeful expression and blinking more than is normal.

Anyway, they lived together for quite a few years, right next to (in the shadow of) a canal that literally brims with water whenever it rains particularly hard for a few days in a row, but it never actually bursts its banks. The banks of the canal rise up to about eight feet above ground level and the water in the canal flows past his house about level with the tops of his ground floor windows when it's at its highest. Suffice to say the groundwater level is high, and the ground thereabouts particularly boggy for much of the year.

She had a dog when they first met - the biggest blackest Doberman you've ever seen in your life. She used to take it to training classes and, after a while, got into taking it to those agility competitions, where they did quite well.

Life ticked along. Time passed, as it does. The dog died of old age a year ago. The relationship between Billy and Wendy gradually soured. They finally split a week ago. Since Billy had a house before they moved in together, they agreed that she would in the event of a breakup only be entitled to a percentage of the house value that took into account and reflected Billy's initial investment. Despite this, the breakup became quite acrimonious, they haggled over the value of the house and how much he had to pay her when she moved out. Eventually they went to arbitration, the deal was hammered out, she took the built-in machinery from the kitchen, this that and the other, took the money and left. Hey-ho, thinks Billy, such is life. Shit happens.

A couple of days ago, he comes home from the pub, staggers through the front garden, a bit worse for wear (shitfaced) and falls headlong into a big muddy hole that's brimming with ice cold bog water. It's a big hole - very deep (approx 6ft). And this is where the truth really is stranger than fiction.

She -- Wendy The Nutball -- had returned while he was out, shovel in hand, dug up the dog and took it with her

What a loon, eh?

[Sallyq]

Oh my God! I thought she was going to have turned out throw poor Billy in the canal, but somehow this is weirder!

It's a great story though, isn't it?

[Ed]

Yeah, but you really can't imagine any sane person doing such a thing, can you? I'd be very worried about having her around

Can you imagine what a state that dog must have been in after a year buried in that sodden wet soil? Can't have been pretty

[Sallyq]

It's very strange, and no, the dog wouldn't have looked (or smelled) very good, would it? Ugh!

[neilmarr]

What a tale, Ed. N

[Ed]

One of the books my lass, Skovia, got for Christmas was a 311-page collection of short stories and poetry called 'La Disparition' by French author Georges Perec. It appealed to her sense of humour because he's written the entire thing without once using the letter 'e'. Why? Neil

What was that about then, Neil? Do you mean he simply left out the letter, replaced it with another, or that he only used words that didn't contain the letter?

Could it be as simple as something like a broken typewriter?

[Geoff_N]

A lipogram is a story written without words of a particular letter. A story without E was Gadsby written in the 1930s by an eccentric but I've forgotten his name.

So today we've been in Nottingham in the shops - aaaarrrggh. Actually, Gaynor ended up buying nothing but while she spent hours fighting crowds in shoe and clothing shops, I spent a pleasant 20 mins buying some gear in a bike shop and finished off a story on my laptop in Starbucks! Magic.

BTW I had a neighbour who loved his dog more than people and he dug up and took a buried dog with him when he moved house. His dog was in a coffin so it wouldn't be so ghoulish as your mate's ex-partner's experience.

Geoff

[PaulH]

That is a truly bizarre story.

Sadly, I had to bury my cat today. She died on Boxing Day night. 

[Ed]

Sorry to hear that, Paul

I'm not a cat lover, but I remember how I felt when our dog died a couple of Christmases ago - it's like losing one of the family, only worse, because you actually liked the old bugger.

[Geoff_N]

Billy's house:  the water in the canal flows past his house about level with the tops of his ground floor windows when it's at its highest.

... and you call Wendy a loon!!!

Tell Billy to get out of that house!!! We're gonna have more floods not less.

Geoff

[Ed]

Billy's house:  the water in the canal flows past his house about level with the tops of his ground floor windows when it's at its highest.

... and you call Wendy a loon!!!

Tell Billy to get out of that house!!! We're gonna have more floods not less.

Geoff

Yeah, I agree - must admit I was alarmed by the level of the water in that canal and absolutely could not live in the shadow of the thing like he does. Sure, it's beautiful in the summer months, but in the winter - dear God - you cannot possibly relax with that thing brimming less than ten feet away.

[Ed]

Well, I've been really busy again for the past few days. Went out and bought a new telly yesterday in the sales - bought a 42" Samsung plasma screen thingy, with a surround sound gubbins, complete with a DVD player and black glass stand. That's getting delivered (hopefully) on Monday. Went out and bought a new carpet for the living room, today, and that's getting fitted on Wednsday. Also went out and bought a pair of huge sofas, which are getting delivered on Friday. Spent an absolute sodding fortune

[Sallyq]

Did you win the lottery or something, Ed? Or are you really JK Rowling, only pretending to be the mild-mannered  host of a Dark Fiction forum?   

I bought vegetables today ... Oh and a melon. On reflection I'd prefer a plasma TV.