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Author Topic: Define "Erotic"  (Read 28456 times)
SamLeeFreak
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« Reply #15 on: November 16, 2007, 02:54:06 PM »

You can say that again *shakes head*
My grammar has much to be desired. Oddly enough, this was the school's fault. When I was a kid (about the time they were about to teach us higher grammar) the school determined that I was gifted and wanted to put me in an experimental program. I'll let that red flag sink in.
In this program they concentrated on our creativity, the plan being to teach the grammar later on. Meanwhile the rest of my classmates WERE learning grammar. Fast forward two or three years and the program was cancelled and I was thrown back into regular classes. Being an oblivious child, I had no idea I had missed out on anything and went along my merry way. Now my grammar makes my better half want to throw himself out a plate glass window.  undecided
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SamLeeFreak
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« Reply #16 on: November 16, 2007, 02:56:39 PM »

PS: How about this?

"After turning up the stereo to compensate for the thin walls, she collapsed face up on the bed and strove with shaking hands to end the frustration."


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Ed
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« Reply #17 on: November 16, 2007, 03:57:43 PM »

I had a similar experience, only mine was with a completely different alphabet, called 'ITA'. It used symbols instead of the normal English alphabet. Which was fine until my parents moved three hundred miles south, where nobody had ever heard of ITA, and I found I was suddenly two years behind all the other kids of my age. rolleyes

I'm not very good at editing, but this is roughly what I would do with it:

"It was both a disappointment and a relief when Kenny left. On one hand, Shayne was fascinated by every detail of him. On the other, she felt like she had shot-gunned fifty shots of liquid Viagra. After turning up the stereo to compensate for the thin walls, Shayne collapsed face up on the bed and strove with shaking hands to end her frustration. Three times over she arched her back, screaming against Vivildi, before giving up and taking to the city, where she walked aimlessly until she noticed the sun had risen and people were drifting into the streets, on their way to work."

That isn't to say 'this is how you should write it' - as with everything else, it's up to you to look at it and see if it suits the way you would like to do it smiley
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« Reply #18 on: November 16, 2007, 04:09:33 PM »

I'm not sure you should mention 'on the one hand' in a piece on masturbation. Even if you have a deliberate metaphorical link there it is a cliche better out. Funny though, and that is not your intention either.

I'd remove the noticed completely from 'until she noticed the sun had come up ' and make it 'until the sun had come up' or even ' until sunrise'  any thing extra is a pleonasm and to be eradicated.

Did you mean Vivaldi or is there a new musician called Vivildi I've not heard about?

Geoff
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SamLeeFreak
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« Reply #19 on: November 16, 2007, 04:24:23 PM »

GEOFF - Vivaldi. As I do not share the same musical tastes of some of my characters, I am prone to making mistakes like that. Honestly, I couldn't name a piece by Vivaldi if you paid me to, and yet I know that Shayne listens to him. I blame my better half for exposing me to classical music.

Ed - Commas are the bane of my existence. I won't even get into colons and semi-colons.

To everyone in general, thanks for being such sweethearts and helping me out. If you go to the following link, you can see me shamelessly pimping Cafe Doom out of gratitude.

http://writtenbysin.blogspot.com/



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Ed
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« Reply #20 on: November 16, 2007, 04:35:46 PM »

See, this is where Geoff and I differ (which is fine, because we all have different ideas about what's good and bad). My point of view is that too much editing destroys the author's natural voice, and a little bit of cliche and pleonasm is a part of that voice. I would guess it would be OK for the intended market, too. Could be wrong, though smiley

Good catch on Vivaldi, Geoff - I didn't spot it huh

Thanks for the pimping, Natalie afro
« Last Edit: November 16, 2007, 04:36:55 PM by Ed » Logged

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« Reply #21 on: November 16, 2007, 05:15:19 PM »

I was going to say what you've just said, Ed, but I though Geoff might come down to Chesterfield on his bike and shout things through my letterbox  rolleyes  (I know you wouldn't, Geoff smiley)

Geoff's advice is very good from the point of view of being aware of a tendency towards flabby writing, but sometimes you have to consider the rhythm of a sentence, and also using a good mixture of short and long sentences, and that could involve using more words than necessary just because it feels right.

It is possible to over-edit and pare down the language so much that you're left with a dry story, or a stoccato (sp) rhythm.
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« Reply #22 on: November 16, 2007, 06:59:54 PM »

Did you mean Vivaldi or is there a new musician called Vivildi I've not heard about?
Geoff

I think he meant VIVILDO bleh
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delph_ambi
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« Reply #23 on: November 17, 2007, 03:29:32 AM »

Yeah, I'd cut the stuff about 'on the one hand' etc. This is what I'd do with it. More a re-write than an edit... sorry! Far too many cuts, most likely. Oh, and I've got rid of the arching back. That is SUCH a cliché. I've always wondered why Mills&Boon were full of these women with their arching backs. Is that how you're supposed to do it? I've never arched my back in that situation. I do... other things.  Cheesy

"Kenny's departure was both a disappointment and a relief to Shayne. She was fascinated by every detail of him, but had reached the point where she'd effectively shot-gunned fifty slugs of liquid Viagra. Turning up the stereo to compensate for the thin walls, she willed her shaking hands to end the frustration as she screamed to the accompaniment of Vivaldi. Eventually she gave up and immersed herself in the city, wandering without direction as the sun rose and people drifted along the streets on their way to work."
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Geoff_N
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« Reply #24 on: November 17, 2007, 03:40:56 AM »

When my son was a bawling baby, the only thing that calmed him was Vivaldi's Winter Season - try it and it'll sooth your breast too, if you want it soothing...  Wink

My view on cutting out pleonasms is to cut 'em and then re-read to see if it was a cut too much. Usually, I find that nothing was lost. Using stronger verbs, active voice and imaginative description always works better. Not that my own writing lives up to my standards!

Geoff
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Sallyq
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« Reply #25 on: November 17, 2007, 04:35:07 AM »

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Not that my own writing lives up to my standards!

 grin I feel the same about my own writing, Geoff. It's all very well having these theories, and I've got millions of 'em. Putting them into practise is harder to do.

It's good that we all having different ideas though and that we can discuss them here without falling out over it.
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Ed
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« Reply #26 on: November 17, 2007, 05:42:08 AM »

Is that how you're supposed to do it? I've never arched my back in that situation. I do... other things.  Cheesy




 huh My wife farts and waggles her ears - is that normal?  Wink

I like the way you write, Delph. I generally find your style easy to read, nicely descriptive and flowing. But your re-write is in your voice, not in Natalie's. If she was to take what you've written and replace her original paragraph with yours, I reckon it would stick out like a sore thumb in the context of the rest of the story. This isn't a criticism, BTW, just an observation.

Looking back to the competition, one of the things I found fascinating about it was the way the vote spread went. There were twenty-two stories and, out of the twenty-two, eleven different stories were voted top by at least one person, which says something about the vagueries of personal preference, for sure. The one that scored top over all and won, though, was the first story Jon wrote. Reason? If you ask me, I think part of the reason is it was written with a pure voice and not tinkered around with too much. And sure, if you really pick through the story, there are bits you could edit and change a little, but it only needs a very light touch.

I've noticed with my own writing, a couple of times (usually when trying to meet a deadline) I've seen a fault I should change, and I've blundered in and changed it. A few weeks or months later I've read it through again, in a quiet moment, and I've found that hiccup where my voice changed. There was a definite scar left behind by my clumsy hand. That's why I'm very wary of what edits I make these days, both in my own and in other people's writing. What Sally says about considering the rhythm of a sentence, and the ebb and flow of different lengths and punctuation is spot on, IMO.

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Planning is an unnatural process - it is much more fun to do something.  The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression. [Sir John Harvey-Jones]
Ed
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« Reply #27 on: November 17, 2007, 05:42:44 AM »

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Not that my own writing lives up to my standards!

 grin I feel the same about my own writing, Geoff. It's all very well having these theories, and I've got millions of 'em. Putting them into practise is harder to do.

It's good that we all having different ideas though and that we can discuss them here without falling out over it.

My thoughts precisely afro
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Planning is an unnatural process - it is much more fun to do something.  The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression. [Sir John Harvey-Jones]
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« Reply #28 on: November 17, 2007, 06:52:08 AM »

Pity I didn't correct my grammar before you agreed with me, Ed  Cheesy
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Ed
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« Reply #29 on: November 17, 2007, 07:07:44 AM »

I was thinking of editing my post, because it occurred to me it might look to Geoff like I was agreeing with what he said, rather than your reply to his post, and the fact we can discuss things without falling out Cheesy Want me to do yours while I'm at it? grin
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