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Author Topic: Dark Humor Quotes  (Read 100269 times)
Vivacious
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« on: January 17, 2005, 01:07:22 PM »

Frisbeetarianism is the philosophy that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck.
- George Carlin

Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- A T-Shirt

Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.
- A t-shirt

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
- Emo Philips

The planet is fine, the people are fucked.
- George Carlin

I recently heard about a mass murderer who killed seventeen people in three days... they say he was a loner. Well, of course he was. He apparently killed everyone he came in contact with!
- George Carlin

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.
- George Carlin

Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one
- Henry Louis Mencken

If anyone ever says that they hate war more than I do, they better have a knife.
- Jack Handey

Why yes -- a bulletproof vest.
- James Rodges, Murderer, On His Final Request Before The Firing Squad

How come on the condom dispensers it has a little picture of birds flying over a pretty mountain. They use sex to sell everything else... why don't they use sex to sell condoms?
- Jeff Carnegie

How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
- Lewis B. Frumkes (Book Title)

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
- Matt Groening

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
- Mike Wilmot

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Solomon Short

I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk.
- Stephen King

Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius--and a lot of courage--to move in the opposite direction.
- Albert Einstein

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.
- Ben Franklin

Anatomy (n): something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl
- Bruce Raeburn.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?
- Chris Rock (this one is my personal fav!  grin )

State Legislators are merely politicians whose darkest secret prevents them from running for a higher office.
- Dennis Miller

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce

In the majority of sane human lives there is no problem of sex at all; there is no problem of marriage at all; there is no problem of temperament at all; for all these problems are dwarfed and rendered ridiculous by the standing problem of being a moderately honest man and paying the butcher.
- G. K. Chesterton, "A Handful of Authors: Essays of Books and Writers" ( $ )

If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that to us, do they?
- George Carlin

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
- Gloria Leonard

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
- Henny Youngman

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them
- Jane Austen

The race isn't always to the swift, but if I'm putting my money down. That's how I'm going to bet
- Jeff Warren

The Swiss have an interesting army.  Five hundred years without a war.  Pretty impressive.  Also pretty lucky for them.  Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?  Not much of a weapon there.  Corkscrews, Bottle openers.  'Come on, buddy, let's go.  You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon.  Back off.  I've got the toe clippers right here.'
- Jerry Seinfeld

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
- John Cleese

Humor is the absence of terror, and terror the absence of humor.
- Lord Richard Buckley

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
- Mae West (1892-1980)

Only two things in life are certain, death and that twinkies will out last you.
- Mark Franklin

Link to SOURCE.
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canadian
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amphibian


« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2005, 01:29:30 PM »

"Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind."
-- Terry Pratchett

"Every time you sneeze, the numbers in your head go up by one."
-- George Carlin

"Men who never get carried away should be."
-- Malcolm Forbes

"Never stop. One always stops as soon as something is about to happen."
-- Peter Brook

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-- Will Rogers

"Nobody realises that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
-- Al Camus

And, my personal fave:
The leading thief glared at the solid stone that had swallowed Mort, and then threw down his knife. 'Well, ----me,' he said. 'A ----ing wizard. I HATE ----ing wizards!' 'You shouldn't ---- them, then,' muttered one of his henchmen, effortlessly pronouncing a row of dashes.
-- Terry Pratchett, "Mort: A Discworld Novel"


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If people stand in a circle long enough, they will eventually begin to dance. -- George Carlin
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« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2005, 02:12:52 PM »

Those are hilarious, ladies. Thanks for that. Here's one more-

'Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.'

    Cheesy
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"Lord, here comes the flood, we will say goodbye to flesh and blood. If, again, the seas are silent in any still alive, it'll be those who gave their island to survive. Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry."
Peter Gabriel.
Ed
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« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2005, 03:40:42 PM »

Good stuff, I like it grin  George Carling is just way too astute to be funny tho afro

I'm pretty short on quotes, but here are a few Bill Hicks ones (the guy cracked me up)

******

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

******
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

******
Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

******
People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.

******
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.
( :lol: )

******
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

******
I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.

******
I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: "<smack smack smack smack> Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"

Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.
( grin one of my faves)

******
Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.

******
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

******
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

******
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

******
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.

******
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

******
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.


******
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

******
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

******
It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

******

I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?"

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Planning is an unnatural process - it is much more fun to do something.  The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression. [Sir John Harvey-Jones]
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amphibian


« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2005, 03:49:00 PM »

Those are fabulouso, Blunt.  Cheesy

"It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious." That one is just the best.  afro

Here's some more ...

You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.
-- Terry Pratchett

If you ever drop your keys into a pool of lava, forget about them, cuz man, they're gone.
--  Jack Handey

If you're ever in doubt, throw a pepper in the air. If it fails to come down, you have gone mad, so don't trust in anything.
-- Gregory Maguire
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If people stand in a circle long enough, they will eventually begin to dance. -- George Carlin
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« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2005, 03:37:16 PM »

Anything by George Carlin is absolutely hilarious.

"He really makes you think, ya know?"---You should be doing that already!!!



"Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world to do.  I have done it hundreds of times."--Samuel Clemens

Great Simpson's quotes

 A gun is not a weapon Marge, it's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or... or an alligator.--Homer

Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not Marge, just for the rest of his life.

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in there every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!
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« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2005, 06:00:29 PM »

Homer Simpson is my hero.  I think he should start a sect.  Can you imagine what the compound would look like though? :lol:  I don't think the ATF would be storming it with Bradley tanks any time soon, but you never know afro

"Have you got women and children in there?" shouts a voice over a megaphone.

"Hell no!  Can we have the beer and pizza now, mister?  P-lease?"

"Erm, no."

"Doh!  Guess we're all going to starve to death now...."
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Planning is an unnatural process - it is much more fun to do something.  The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression. [Sir John Harvey-Jones]
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amphibian


« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2005, 09:04:45 PM »

"Every time you sneeze, the numbers in your head go up by one."
-- George Carlin

I really think you guys need to think about this one. Okay?

And this one:

"When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before."
-- Mae West
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« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2005, 10:19:49 PM »

"Every time you sneeze, the numbers in your head go up by one."
-- George Carlin

I really think you guys need to think about this one. Okay?



I didnt get that one

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