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Woody
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« Reply #15 on: November 21, 2008, 04:37:37 PM »

posting here has proven unwise. ed will keep your stuff after he bans you. only he knows why.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 06:35:27 PM by Woody » Logged

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Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy
Woody
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« Reply #16 on: November 21, 2008, 05:26:20 PM »

posting here has proven unwise. ed will keep your stuff after he bans you. only he knows why.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 06:34:13 PM by Woody » Logged

___________________________________________________________
Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy
delph_ambi
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« Reply #17 on: November 21, 2008, 05:33:18 PM »

hehe - trouble is, you fix one thing and I'll find a load more!

Right. Contractions. "It's my party", not "it is my party". Always try to write as you would talk.

Capitals. Use at the start of sentences and for proper nouns, or omit completely. Don't use at the start of lines. This is archaic and breaks up the text too much. Only do it if you are deliberately using an old form.

'ing' words. Same rules as in prose; use these very sparingly or you end up with too much passivity and too little action which makes the poem drag.

I'll return to this piece with some more specific comments when I'm more awake...
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Woody
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« Reply #18 on: November 21, 2008, 05:41:37 PM »

posting here has proven unwise. ed will keep your stuff after he bans you. only he knows why.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 06:34:32 PM by Woody » Logged

___________________________________________________________
Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy
Ed
The Mastah, muahahaaaa....
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Don't look behind you!!!!!


« Reply #19 on: November 22, 2008, 04:57:12 AM »

That's the scary part about writing - once you really get into it and learn a few things, you begin to understand just how much you don't know. That's also one of the most interesting parts about it, too, I think. smiley
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Planning is an unnatural process - it is much more fun to do something.  The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression. [Sir John Harvey-Jones]
delph_ambi
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« Reply #20 on: November 22, 2008, 05:41:02 AM »

Here's a line by line crit. The title is excellent, and the ideas in the poem are fine. It just needs more precision of thought.

It is my party, [use it’s rather than it is. Lose the comma. Line-breaks are commas anyway, so you rarely need additional punctuation]
and the lights are turned down low.
The heavy curtains are pulled,
[‘the lights are turned down low’ and ‘the heavy curtains are pulled’ are both passive constructions. Might be better to have somebody turning down the lights and pulling the curtains, though maybe in context the passivity is okay]
shutting out the cold. [an ‘ing’ word. ‘to shut out the cold’ works just as well as ‘shutting out the cold’ and is more active]
Everyone is here. [Everyone’s here]

The music is playing, [Make this more interesting by specifying a particular song or style. Also make it active, not passive, if possible. Show the effect of the music on the guests.]
and those that know me show, [get rid of the comma. It’s ungrammatical and unneeded]
their respect for my choice.
They've turned up.
And everyone else is here. [Who is ‘everyone else’? They can’t be those that know you, so who are they? There’s an interesting story here, but you gloss over it, and whilst in this is perfectly justified by the end of the poem, at this point the reader doesn’t know the nature of the gathering, so it doesn't make sense.]

Standing by the sofa, [passive]
which is a coffee coloured leather. [too many modifiers. You have the sofa. Then you have not one but THREE modifiers. Do you need any? I’d lose the line.]
Filled with my relatives, [If it’s the sofa that’s filled with relatives, then you need to lose the previous full stop for it to make sense. Sofas are filled with horsehair or foam rubber usually. You have great potential here for a sofa stuffed with relatives, but I don’t think that’s what you mean. Try to be precise in your wording.]
close… and from afar. [a bit corny. ‘from afar’ would be more interesting if it was ‘from Tennessee’ or some other random place]
Without a doubt, [these last two lines are in an unnatural order and feel stuck on]
everyone is here.

Talking amongst themselves, [passive and probably superfluous]
they chat about me,
happy in a way. [that’s telling not showing. Have them chuckling or animated or something. Not just ‘happy’]
I hear everything they say, [longwinded]
their comments please me. [vague and passive. Would be better to give a few examples of the comments]
Everybody's here! [this repetitive refrain is a good idea, but needs better handling so that it doesn’t keep looking stuck on]

The false smiles of some, [lose the comma]
cover a misery, [lose the comma]
brought about by the box, [box? No idea what this means at this point. It’s a problem because ‘box’ makes most people think ‘television’ rather than coffin. This requires careful handling. Use more mystery I think, rather than a word that could be a packing case. Even calling it ‘the thing in the front room’ would be better.]
weighs down on my shoulders. [Ungrammatical. "that weighs" would fix it]
But… the buffet's nearly gone and [where did it go? Chose your verbs with care and precision]
everyone's still here.

I stand next to my brother.
He shudders, while he talks to my wife. [good couple of lines. Active and interesting]
And I hear the things he says. [lose ‘and’]
His comments please me and, [what comments? You need examples to show, not tell]
everyone is here.

The lights turn down lower. [how? By magic? Someone must have turned them down. This is another story; another lost opportunity]
A dragging tugs me, pulls me away. [tautologous. You’ve said the same thing in three different ways]
This wake of mine is finished, [lose the comma. Introduction of the word ‘wake’ at this point is excellent. A real eyebrow raising moment for the reader.]
and I go. [lose the full stop]
Leaving everybody there.

I'm now gone,
from the world I knew,
happy in a way.
It's no longer dark, but light,
this lifts me and…
Everyone is here! [lose this entire last stanza. The reader gets the idea. Don’t lecture them]
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Woody
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« Reply #21 on: December 26, 2008, 07:30:42 PM »

posting here has proven unwise. ed will keep your stuff after he bans you. only he knows why.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 06:33:07 PM by Woody » Logged

___________________________________________________________
Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy
Woody
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« Reply #22 on: May 14, 2009, 07:16:17 PM »

posting here has proven unwise. ed will keep your stuff after he bans you. only he knows why.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 06:33:32 PM by Woody » Logged

___________________________________________________________
Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy
Woody
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« Reply #23 on: June 22, 2009, 12:14:48 AM »

posting here has proven unwise. ed will keep your stuff after he bans you. only he knows why.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 06:29:05 PM by Woody » Logged

___________________________________________________________
Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy
evilthing69
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« Reply #24 on: June 22, 2009, 12:20:35 AM »

Believe you me, I understand...
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Woody
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« Reply #25 on: August 07, 2009, 07:30:11 PM »

posting here has proven unwise. ed will keep your stuff after he bans you. only he knows why.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 06:31:12 PM by Woody » Logged

___________________________________________________________
Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy
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« Reply #26 on: August 07, 2009, 10:57:06 PM »

It would help me a lot if I could figure out what the theirs, they, and them referred to. Unfortunately, it is not obvious.

In the first stanza, I think some shadows cast a veil, and if this poem were punctuated--which it desperately needs to be--I think a period would go after veil. In the third and fourth lines some raving tales make sparkles.

In the second stanza, without a verb, I'm at a loss to figure out what it means, and we encounter the first instance of the mysterious "their": mysterious because there is no plural in sight to which it might refer. It can't refer to the shadow of nobody, because "a shadow" is singular and demands the singular pronoun "its"...

In the third stanza, I'm wondering how solace could be observed in the first place. Beauty, yes; solace, not so much.

In the fourth stanza, we encounter another instance of "their," and it appears that "a bitter... shell of what may have been" is supposed to be a person, in which case, said person is now basking in his or her puke, not their puke. Let's get real, here, shall we? You know who you're writing this about, so man up and use the correct damn pronoun.

The fifth stanza contains three uses of the word "their," which grammatically seem to refer to pin points. This of course makes no sense at all. Again, use the appropriate pronoun and sort out the verb: pin points *are* lost, but the outside world *is* lost. You end line one with "world" and start line two with "are," which reads very badly. It seems like a word is missing here: "to their grasp reason..." Should that be, "to their grasp of reason"? The whole thing is difficult to parse.

The sixth stanza would make more sense if it stood on its own, but apparently, it continues a sentence begun in the previous sentence. Unfortunately, you weren't able to figure out what the subject of the previous sentence was, so your verb "make" is incorrect. It should be makes. Remember, strip away the prepositional phrases when you want to figure out the real movers and shakers of your sentence.

In the version below, I have made only the smallest changes to improve readability and clarity. Someone like delph would be required to address the larger structural and lyrical issues; I'm just the grammarian. My opinion of the piece overall is that while it's got a couple of nice lines (sparkles of vitriol), it's too general and too angsty. I particularly didn't like the "begat by recurrent incidents/ in [his] far and recent past" lines. It sounds so clinical and doesn't reveal anything.


bipolar shadows cast across a dim room
the obsessive-compulsive's veil;
ranting and raving contrary fib tales
make sparkles of vitriol in the gloom.

a shadow of nobody is rarely acknowledged,
is never more than his consonants and vowels.

life's mirror observed
shows nothing looking back
no grandeur nor beauty
to behold.

a bitter, shriveled disconsolate shell of
what may have been
now basks in his own puke.

far off pin points -- the outside world
is lost to his grasp of
reason; his anathema
begat by recurrent incidents
in his far and recent past

makes him alone and a long time blind
to inhabit a dimension that's dark and bleak
and comfortable
as he forsakes the problems of the self
because this is his twisted joy.
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delph_ambi
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« Reply #27 on: August 08, 2009, 02:43:39 AM »

I'll get back to this one. Having recently done a hatchet job on a story of yours, I'm reluctant to do the same to your poem straight away  grin


I will return...
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Woody
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« Reply #28 on: August 08, 2009, 10:15:56 AM »

posting here has proven unwise. ed will keep your stuff after he bans you. only he knows why.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 06:31:28 PM by Woody » Logged

___________________________________________________________
Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy
Woody
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« Reply #29 on: August 08, 2009, 10:23:14 AM »

posting here has proven unwise. ed will keep your stuff after he bans you. only he knows why.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 06:31:39 PM by Woody » Logged

___________________________________________________________
Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy
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