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Author Topic: The Crystal Paradise  (Read 2312 times)
Morbid Misery
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« on: January 24, 2009, 07:11:22 PM »

The Crystal Paradise.

The night drags on outside
the room is darker yet
I have come to nowhere in time
to a place where I am not alone
a small place of peace in this, a shared hell
drab walls and a stained floor
much like the remnants of my soul

The priest's false words of forgiveness
plague my mind
his cute lies burn through
and in my corner lies a picture
shattered beyond repair
of a time murdered long ago

There had been laughs but no more
and when I unlock the walls of my mind
the guards flee in fright
slowly a dry dust
will be smooth
then flowing
ushering down my veins
welcomed...this my only delight

I stare towards the sky
and am carried away to fulfilment
in my designed heaven
manufactured in hell
In the crystal paradise
I am free
I fly and soar
my heart returns its beats
my thought's vanish
in my crystal paradise
where I wait for you and shall never be alone

But now it is time to go
but I shall not
when back below the shell has gone cold
caring hands find it empty
then cover it up forever more
then carefully bag up the tool of my final release
into my crystal paradise. 
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delph_ambi
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« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2009, 08:36:39 AM »

The poem has great imagery and is generally well constructed. I think there are a few superfluous words here and there that could be cut to tighten it up a little, plus the occasional cliche that probably needs more original wording, but I'm not sure how much critique you want, so I'll hold fire for now. Nothing worse than posting a poem on a new site and having someone wade in and criticise it out of existence (not that I'd ever do that).

Did you ever read 'The Crystal Cave' by Mary Stewart? That's the image that came to my mind here, though your poem is far darker.
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Morbid Misery
Guest
« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2009, 09:16:10 AM »

 cheers

Thanks for the feedback, and no I have not read the material you spoke of but it sounds like something I would like to read.
Oh and I was going for a real dark feel and after reading it again I am fairly happy with it.

MM
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chungle
Stiff
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« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2009, 03:31:46 AM »

I really like this. I agree with delph (as I so often have in the past) that the imagery is strong and well-constructed.

I think there are some changes that could be made that will allow for a heavier impact. I submit for your consideration some suggestions that came to mind:


1. to a place where I am not alone / a small place of peace in this, a shared hell

I find that using the word 'place' two lines in a row stops the flow of the poem. When I read it, my mind skips back to the last line instantly. In my opinion, a word rarely needs to be used again so soon. There are plenty of other ways to write it without having to become repetitious in your vocabulary.

Perhaps 'to a place where I am not alone / a small offering of peace in this / a shared hell" or something to that effect?


2. I am free / I fly and soar

These images are very common, even more so in conjunction with one another. This is not to say that they should never be used, just used well. The way I see it, there are much less clich├ęd expressions out there that would suit the rest of the poem much more, although for you it may hold personal value.

3. in my crystal paradise / where I wait for you and shall never be alone

I feel that the repetition of crystal paradise is unneeded. I would just leave it as 'I wait for you and shall never be / alone'. This still conveys the message with less, which is always important in poetry, while hinting at the darker notions in the poem with 'alone' being isolated.

4. But now it is time to go / but I shall not

But, but. 'Now it's time to go / but I shall not' reads much better. Much like later in the stanza with the use of 'then' at the beginning of two lines. I know it's nitpicking, but these are the finer points that can really separate potential from talent.



I hope this doesn't come off as me tearing apart your poem. My own poetry has greatly improved from advice like this over the past couple of months.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2009, 08:12:41 AM by chungle » Logged
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