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Author Topic: An ugly insight to my psyche  (Read 2845 times)
Morbid Misery
« on: January 31, 2009, 04:08:01 AM »

C & C is welcomed here. I have had such an awful and miserable day that I do not care what is said about this post, I don't care if no one comments on it as is the case with my posts, Daddy's Broken Boy and How Far. The irony is even on line I am despised and ignored.

So here I go...

Damaged Goods

I am nothing but a wasted opportunity
sitting in a gloomy dark room
my hands lie useless in my lap
staring at nothing
drowning in hate and sadness
There is nothing to show for my 26 years

There is no wife
or children
there is no job
just caring for a sick relative
while others rub their success in my face

I go nowhere
I see no one
even those close keep me at arms length

I hate myself
I hate him
the man who broke me
who cast me down to hell

I was his plaything
his amusement
my heart is now stained black
my soul hungers for revenge

I realise now
he has finally won
not that I am alone
soon two more carbon clones
will join me
five and seven years old
I pity those two girls

Any goodness left in me
is now ash
Any greatness
has vanished

All that remains is ugliness
an insight to hades
where the devil greets you with a smile
mocking you

The mirrors inside my mind
all curse me
with this tortured image
with hatred that has no purpose
no release
and no target
but that from which it came

So once more I sit alone
slowly waiting
for the transformation to be complete
slowly waiting for the hate
to take me over
in this miserable world
in this, an ugly insight to my tortured psyche

« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2009, 04:46:21 AM »

If you write poetry like this in the first person, it feeds into your misery. So don't do it. Put it into third person. Write it about a fictional 'he', even if it's about your own experiences. That will give you some distance, which is what you need.

It will also give you a better poem, and it's a quick and effective fix. Try putting all your work into third person for the time being. It works.
The Mastah, muahahaaaa....

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Don't look behind you!!!!!

« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2009, 06:15:20 AM »

Great advice, Delph.

Another thing worth mentioning, I think (at the risk of being patronising), is a philosophy which may help you to change your mind. It might seem impossible, but if there's something in your life you can't change, the only way to deal with it and live with it in peace is to change the way you think about it - change the negative into the positive.

I know somebody who grew up in the shadow of his mother's addiction to crystal meth. His dad left before things got really bad, so when she went completely off the rails he was there on his own as a young kid having to deal with it all on his own. It all got very seedy, and I won't go into the details, but this kid managed to get himself fed, get himself to school, even found time to look after his mother when she was incapable. Come the end of it all, his mother, who in her lucid moments would cry at her hopelessness and beg him to forgive her, took a bad batch of meth that put her into convulsions. By the time it had worn off she had fried her brain and turned herself into a drooling zombie, no longer able to do anything for herself, unable to recognise her own son. She ended up in a mental asylum, where she will stay until the day she dies. The kid went to live with his dad.

At this point, or before, this kid could have drowned in all this misery and dropped out, fucked up - who could blame him? What better excuse could he have to be miserable? But at this point somebody sat him down and gave him a choice. He could give himself a pat on the back for all he had achieved despite his upbringing, or he could use it as a reason to give up and fail for the rest of his life. The choice was his - wear all his pain as a badge of courage, or use it as a crutch to fail. He said this concept stayed with him and changed his life. Whenever he felt low he recognised his own courage for having made it that far despite the obstacles in his way, and he carried on. He's currently in his second year at college and he's doing alright - same as everybody else on the outside. I admire him for that.

Planning is an unnatural process - it is much more fun to do something.  The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression. [Sir John Harvey-Jones]
Morbid Misery
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2009, 06:00:56 AM »

To Delph and Ed. Two things. The first thank you for the advice and the second is that I am supprised now after reading this miserable rant that any of it had made sense. What brought it on was seeing my tormentor in Brisbane early that day, although he did not see me I got a good look at that vicious @#$!*##. Then I came home and proceeded to drink several beers out of a pint glass. I have been doing this a lot lately usually either beer or a spirit drinks but lately I have started drinking boilermaker style drinks usually depth charges and turboshandy's and I find that my writing still makes sense but seems darker that usual.

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