Calling grammar gurus!

[GrinReaper]

Hello there,

Is the following sentence correct?

He opened his eyes, aware that he no longer had any eyes, but opening them all the same.

I received feedback on a story saying it's incorrect because it switches from past tense to present tense. I'm sure it's right but I don't know why.

All I know is that this sounds even wrongerer ... He opened his eyes, aware that he no longer had any eyes, but opened them all the same."

[Walker]

Hi GR, I'm no grammar guru, but I can tell you this; If a sentence doesn't seem right, but you can't put your finger on the reason, then just try re-wording it. Maybe try to arrange this sentence something like this: "Despite being aware he no longer had any eyes, he opened them all the same.
   In your sentence there is some redundancy insofar as you mention that he opened his eyes twice in one sentence. By eliminating the redundency you no longer have to deal with such a complication. Hope this helps, good luck with it.   

[JoyceCarter]

Your original version is in a chattier style than Walker's rewrite, isn't it?  Yes, there's redundancy, but people say things like this all the time (well, not the subject matter!)  I really don't think there's anything wrong with your first go, considering that it's in a spoken kind of English.  Thinking about it, the word 'being' is kind of understood: 'He opened his eyes, (being) aware that he no longer had any eyes, but opening them all the same.'  That means both the last two parts of the sentence are descriptive, and match.  They're not present tense just because they use the -ing form.

Your wrongerer version would need to have something like this to feel righterer, I think.  'He opened his eyes.  He was aware that he no longer had any eyes, but he opened them all the same.'

[Walker]

"but people say things like this all the time " That's true, but this is narration, not dialogue. Using a more natural form of speech in dialogue is a good idea- to build realism for the character(s)- but narration should be more succinct and ecconomizing with the selection of words. Just imagine William Strunk is looking over your shoulder while you write, pointing his finger at the screen and asking you, "do you really need that word?" Good luck with it GR, you'll settle on what's best for your own style and story.

[Ed]

"but people say things like this all the time " That's true, but this is narration, not dialogue. Using a more natural form of speech in dialogue is a good idea- to build realism for the character(s)- but narration should be more succinct and ecconomizing with the selection of words. Just imagine William Strunk is looking over your shoulder while you write, pointing his finger at the screen and asking you, "do you really need that word?" Good luck with it GR, you'll settle on what's best for your own style and story.

Narration and dialogue can merge into practically the same thing - there's a name for it, but I can't think what it is.  Basically, what you do is narrate from the perspective of a person, using the same language that person would, to convey the narrative as thought.  Like this -

Tom popped the sweet into his mouth and sucked noisily.  The strawberry ones are the best; crunchy on the outside, and soft and sticky on the inside.  Aunt Rosemary would be mad at him, but she could have the black currant ones instead.

  Probably not the best example, but it was all I could come up with on the spur.   EDit: I found the link - http://www4.wittenberg.edu/academics/engl/GrammarDumb/Fly%20on%20Wall%20and%20IFS.html - it's called 'the indirect freestyle' POV 

Grin - I think your original sentence is fine as is, but I don't consider myself a grammar guru

[GrinReaper]

Thanks for your feedback!

[Ed]

Just having a read back through the posts, and it struck me that you could write the sentence like this -

"Aware that he no longer had any eyes, but opening them all the same, he..." then go on to describe what he's up to

[GrinReaper]

btw, the reason he's able to open eyes that no longer exist is that his consciousness is transferred into a database, a la The Matrix!

[Ed]

btw, the reason he's able to open eyes that no longer exist is that his consciousness is transferred into a database, a la The Matrix!

Are we going to get to see it, Grin?  We've got a few talented folks here now, that'll give you a decent crit, if you want one   I was thinking of setting up a 'members only area' similar to the title game section, where guests won't be able to see the entries, if you're worried about the publishing angle

[GrinReaper]

i've got this strange feeling the piece is on the site somewhere? but maybe it was blankslate, or maybe it's just that now I'm a dad, my brain is fried!

[mimesis]

Personally i think you should stick with your original wording... do not sacrifice style for grammatical correctness... syntax is there to play with. I was very impressed with the image you created in that sentance... it really plays with the reader's expectations and makes them have to think about the image. It's a shame you seem to be putting it in what sounds like a very cliched science fiction context.

[Ed]

Personally i think you should stick with your original wording... do not sacrifice style for grammatical correctness... syntax is there to play with. I was very impressed with the image you created in that sentance... it really plays with the reader's expectations and makes them have to think about the image. It's a shame you seem to be putting it in what sounds like a very cliched science fiction context.

Hi, mimises, and welcome to the forum.  Actually, this is a really good story, called Freefall - it was written for a title game on another site.  It's not nearly as cliched as it sounds from what Grin said.  Quite original