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Cafe Doom  |  The Critique Crypt  |  General writing chat  |  Dark Poets  |  "My Other"
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Author Topic: "My Other"  (Read 4455 times)

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Offline shiney

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"My Other"
« on: October 11, 2009, 05:49:40 PM »
"My Other"


A looking glass smile
sarcophagus manners
We go lightly into this
tresspassing
tarantulas
we
spiral nowhere
I love you like cat's paw
I love you like graveyards
come
repellent and kinky
kiss me like vermin
kiss me
like snakeskin
kiss me like rapture
touch me where it's dark inside
where angels cower
beneath fetid halos
where red bubbles nest
at the corners of my mouth
you break them with a tiny tongue
and wetly whisper another's name.
 
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« Last Edit: October 18, 2009, 05:30:15 PM by shiney »
"If I Could Save the World, I Wouldn't Bother..."

delph_ambi

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Re: "My Other"
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2009, 09:01:02 AM »
Very distinctive writing. Great turn of phrase.

Offline shiney

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Re: "My Other"
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2009, 05:50:33 PM »
Thanks for reading it..... :smiley:
"If I Could Save the World, I Wouldn't Bother..."

Offline Woody

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Re: "My Other"
« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2009, 06:56:11 PM »
Like it. The only thing that my brain couldn't reconcile was;
"We go lightly into this
tresspassing
tarantulas"

Perhaps "tarantula" instead?

anyway, good piece.
___________________________________________________________
Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy

Offline Pharosian

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Re: "My Other"
« Reply #4 on: October 27, 2009, 08:31:20 AM »
Like it. The only thing that my brain couldn't reconcile was;
"We go lightly into this
tresspassing
tarantulas"

Perhaps "tarantula" instead?

anyway, good piece.

Woody, I think you are reading the passage as "we go lightly into <something>" and are expecting a singular noun for <something>.

Instead (and I could be wrong, but it explains the plural), I believe the intent is that "we are the trespassing tarantulas who go lightly into this." A comma after "this" would have made things ever so much easier to understand for that interpretation, but there you are.

Offline Woody

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« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2009, 02:37:42 PM »
mustn't have my stuff here, ed keeps it.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2011, 07:52:26 PM by Woody »
___________________________________________________________
Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy

Offline shiney

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Re: "My Other"
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2009, 07:41:11 PM »
Pharosian is correct in the interpretation...I neglected to put a comma.

I'm an ass that way...
 ::)


thanks for reading...
"If I Could Save the World, I Wouldn't Bother..."

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