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Author Topic: The Worm  (Read 2898 times)
delph_ambi
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« on: October 21, 2010, 04:37:20 AM »

The Worm

A worm roamed the alleys of Paris last year;
it lived beneath the Parc Monceau
by the monument – or so they say,
but I never saw it, I didn’t believe, until the day
when Claude and Marie came and sat in my flat
smoking in tandem and shivering
shivering
with snow on their boots
and shivering.

We walked through the park and we saw it
, they said.
Saw what?
The worm
Oh, that old thing.
Coffee? Or chocolate? You’re frozen, poor darlings.
It’s snowing out there, said one or the other.
Our heads were bowed down to avoid the worst flakes
which is why we failed to spot the worm
until too late
.

Claude wore a hat like a teapot stand
and Marie had her long hair wrapped round and round in a scarf like a turban.
The colours were wrong
so I hardly heard as they talked of the worm
but I know they spoke of silver scales
and something chopped off half way.

Half way?
What do you mean?
A man with an axe, said Claude or Marie.
You’ve lost me – a man with an axe was needed
to chop a worm in half?
A worm?
A ten metre worm
filled with blood and bile
encased in a metal skin which when split,
enabled the contents
to seep through the snow and turn it bright pink
with yellow bits
.
Yellow?
And green. It escaped so they say, ten days ago
from a travelling fair in the Pyrenees
.
That’s a long way from Paris, I said.

They looked abashed and spoke no more
so I’m still not certain what to think
but Claude and Marie won’t take the short cut
through the Parc Monceau any more.
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LashSlash
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« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2010, 03:03:02 AM »

lett' m take the other way around -- even ift's a longer trip

 Shocked Shocked Shocked


nice poem delf --- i actualy understood what its about!!!!!!!!


one word i didnt  like: enabled   ....the ultimate intro to a  ' tell'


split --- spilt .... mmmmmmmmmmm


d
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delph_ambi
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« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2010, 03:12:15 AM »

Thanks Daniel! Point taken about 'enabled' (though I disagree, but that's okay).
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LashSlash
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« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2010, 04:07:53 AM »

encased in a metal skin which when split,  -- futuristic tense   like:- when it gets split
enabled the contents... - pastish tense


encased in a metal skin [which] WHILE when split,
enabled the contents....

encased in a metal skin which when split,
enable[d] the contents....



.... but maybe if the italics = dialogue, then i could be wrong

d

« Last Edit: October 28, 2010, 04:24:45 AM by LashSlash » Logged
delph_ambi
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« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2010, 04:21:22 AM »

Nope. The grammar is impeccable as it stands. You'll just have to trust me on that one.  rolleyes
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LashSlash
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« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2010, 04:33:11 AM »

i'm gonna keep going till i = right about at least one thing....


but I never saw it, I didn’t believe, until the day
when Claude and Marie came and sat in my flat .....after you heard their story -- then you believed about the worm


the ' hook'  of the poem, is the story that turned you into a believer


but.... at the end of the poem:

so I’m still not certain what to think  ---- mmmmmmm, still not so sure about the worm???


believe or disbelieve???

personaly: thank zeus i dont live in paris


d

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delph_ambi
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« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2010, 04:39:04 AM »

You can believe in something but still not be certain about it.  Wink
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LashSlash
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« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2010, 04:58:36 AM »

A worm?
A ten metre worm
[thick as a ...?]
filled with blood and bile


if i dont have a point about what was written - then maybe about something that wasnt written. perhaps something is missing? -- the hacking in half is the best bit: - how fat was the worm??  was it hacked in half with one blow, or did our axe-man have to work at it...thickness fills us in, about this..... or is that another ' thick' comment?


personaly i would prefer if the line:
enabled the contents,  read like this:
enabled the goop


d




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delph_ambi
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« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2010, 05:03:31 AM »

I've left the thickness to the reader's imagination. I don't want to tell them precisely what to think. After all, a ten metre worm is not going to have the diameter of a piece of spaghetti. Definitely more tree-trunkish.

One can go overboard with description. Far better to trust the reader. I bet you had a good idea of how thick it was.  afro
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LashSlash
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« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2010, 05:09:46 AM »

enough of me fooling around .... [by the way: the couple on the sunlit sepia path, with the too dark shadows, -- what were they arguing about??? Wink]

actualy delf its a cleverly written poem -  it includes the reader as a third person, in the cleverest of ways....

d
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delph_ambi
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« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2010, 05:32:55 AM »

They were no doubt arguing about the supposed girth of something or other.  azn

Thanks Daniel.
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LashSlash
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« Reply #11 on: October 28, 2010, 05:37:23 AM »

....They were no doubt arguing about the supposed M[g]irth of something or other.  azn

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