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Author Topic: FROZEN  (Read 1797 times)
NoxInflux
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« on: January 09, 2010, 11:31:15 PM »


Not my best, but it feels right to me. Not a normal writing style. Writing more for my own satisfaction than to please an audience.
Written late 2009.  dance

[based on sleep paralysis]

By MBL (Nox Influx)

noxinflux@gmail.com

FROZEN

I woke up. I could not move.
My eyes fixed. Worlds mixed.
Unsure what is going on.
I tried to recall. Everything blank.
Whitewashed wall. Stranger everytime.
Danger steeper. Creeper. In the hall.
Seconds, minutes, all a lie.
Strange sensations why?
No way to explain. No way to refrain.
Deep in some twilight semi-reality.
Like a happy tragedy.
Impending doom! Waking boom! NOW.
Awake and I move and think.
Somewhere on the brink. Between two places.
A danger of demonic faces.
Dirty brain bile.
I laugh.
I smile.
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Woody
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« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2010, 11:35:25 PM »

.
« Last Edit: February 25, 2011, 08:17:14 PM by Woody » Logged

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Writers Anonymous(http://www.writersanonymous.org.uk)-a source of sinister anthologies
Perception is nine tenths of the look. Brave Dave the Feather in Caribbean Conspiracy
NoxInflux
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2010, 11:50:25 PM »

Yeah. The ending is like a statement that I enjoy the madness of it, instead of be afraid of it, because it is such a strange feeling.  dance

Nox Influx
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delph_ambi
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« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2010, 04:04:34 AM »

Good stuff. Very vivid. I know you said you wrote this for yourself, rather than readers, but I'm a reader and I've just read it and I'm a poet so I can't help but make a few suggestions... take 'em or leave 'em.

Opening is a bit wordy. I would cut the 'I's and the 'My' and change 'could not' to 'couldn't'. That gives you:

Woke up. Couldn't move.
Eyes fixed. Worlds mixed.

Next line, I'd change 'what is going on' to 'what's going on'.
Next line, drop the 'I' from 'I tried to recall'.

Further down the poem, I'd shorten the line: 'Deep in some twilight semi-reality' to 'Deep in twilit semi-reality'.
Drop the 'Like' from 'Like a happy tragedy'.

Drop the 'A' from 'A danger of demonic faces.'
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NoxInflux
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« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2010, 10:12:31 AM »

Hi guys.

Yeah, thanks for the tips!

Yeah, like I said I wrote it for myself and it's not my best. Perhaps that is my problem; not showing enough of my works to people for their insight.

I can see how it'd improve with those changes, I will consider those tips in future texts.  smiley

I had a thumb drive full of my work (mostly poetry) and I LOST IT!@# Damnit.

Nox Influx
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